Point of Entry

On March 12, 2015 I was shot in the face by a 40 caliber full metal jacket bullet while standing on the protest line during the Ferguson Missouri Protests.   

The 40 caliber bullet passed through my right check and continued to move to the back of my head.  The bullet then deflected off the interior of my skull and entered my neck. The Bullet was found resting between my carotid artery and jugular vein.

Hidden Wounds

After being injured my mental, physical, emotional and spiritual state was in complete turmoil.  I felt trapped in time – stuck in the moment of the traumatic incident. I was unsure if I was alive, convinced I could not have survived being shot in the head.  Flashbacks and continuous anxiety drained my emotions throughout the day. At night I was terrorized by disturbing dreams of dying in terrible ways.

For 9 months I attended physiological therapy twice per week.  I consumed all my prescribed medications in hopes of stabilizing my mood and getting rest free of disturbing dreams.  I was also self-medicating with alcohol to get temporary relief from the situation I was trapped in.

Time’s up

After 11 months I was no longer a police officer.

I was emotionally, physically and spiritually broken. I didn’t recognize myself. My reactions and reasoning in normal situations was no longer there. I was stranded in an existence of always being ready to fight and full collapse.  

I kept asking myself “How did I let this happen?” “What was all this for?”

I was embarrassed and ashamed. The Nightmares and Flashbacks owning my days and nights.  I just wanted the pain to stop so I self-medicated with alcohol 24hrs a day and privately wishing life would end. 

1 Year Anniversary

On the evening of the one year anniversary of my injury I was found by my wife having a seizure in bed.  I had never had a seizure prior to that evening. I had approximately 8 seizures in 3 hours. When I would come out of each seizure I told my wife I would not go to the hospital.  I was ready to die. Quick thinking by a Police officer on scene got me to realize my wife did not deserve the emotional strain being caused by me not cooperating with E.M.S.

I was transported to a hospital while still having seizures.  In route to the Hospital in st Louis, MO, my Blood pressure was so high I was close to having a stroke.  Upon arrival I was placed into a medically induced coma and received a CAT scan. The scan revealed I had press syndrome which is increased pressure inside the cranium causing the brain to be squeezed and have seizures.

The Choice

While in the coma I went through Alcohol withdrawal, contracted double pneumonia and my right lung collapsed.  I remained in the coma for 5 weeks on a ventilator.  

After 5 weeks in the coma a decision had to be made by my wife and family.  When an unconscious patient has a ventilator forcing oxygen into their lungs, their brain eventually forgets how to breath.  1 of 2 choices had to be made.

1. Keep the patient in the coma while pneumonia clears and take on the risk they will never come off life support.

2. Taking the patient off life support with hopes they are healthy enough to fight through and breathe.

So while I was unconscious my wife chose to bring me out of the coma. 

In order for me to survive my wife, family, and medical staff had to spend 8 hours hovering over me encouraging me to live breath by breath.

My wife is my Angel on earth.

Road to Recovery

Since that time I’ve learned how to walk, lost near 100ibs, been sober, processed what happened to me and gained an understanding of what PTSD and trauma can do to an individual.

My Road to this point has been filled with ups and downs, some more extreme than others. I believe everyone has their own journey through Trauma.   For a long time I was a victim. It was easy to be a victim. All the signed pointed in that direction.

But by the Grace of god and a lot of hard unfamiliar work I have been freed from the bondage of resentment and anger.  I do not claim to be free from P.T.S.D., resentments or all anger but it no longer runs my life.

I can say that my life went from being saturated with pain, fear, and anger to now manageable as a result of the steps I’ve taken to get my life back.  I had to let go of wanting to break down others and focus on building myself again.

Choosing Myself

I had to pick my future by trying to let go of my past.  IT takes a lot of work but it is one hurdle than must be taken on.  I do encourage forgiveness based on the fact that it allows you to move forward.  Forgiveness has nothing to do with saying what happened was ok. Forgiveness is the process of moving on.  It’s the start of dealing with painful emotions that most of the time we ignore. With trauma the scars are too big to ignore.  I know you might not be able to imagine processing what you went through. Don’t force it. What I ask is that you start thinking about making your future life more important than the pain of the past.

My glass was half empty for a long time with no sign of any change to come but I kept going.  It felt like I was walking through a swamp covered in overhead growth. I couldn’t see where I was going.  I didn’t know what to do. But I kept walking.

We did not choose to be injured nor can we change what we have been through. We can rise above our circumstances with each other’s support.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Only those who have been in the deepest valleys can appreciate that magnificence of the highest mountain.  It is time to climb out of the valley. If you don’t know how to climb then it’s time to learn. Be resilient, be relentless.